Sunday, September 24, 2017

A Week In the Life ... part 1

9/18/17
                Our cat Mavis wasn’t a very good cat. If I had to grade her I’d give her a passing grade, because she was a decent mouser, but that is it. No affection, she’d ducked when we went to pet her. Weeks would go by without us seeing her. The only reason we knew she was gone (I mean dead) was that mice kept showing up. We wondered, is she coming back this time or did she just go someplace to die?
                About a month after we had last seen her, someone on our neighborhood forum stated that they found a cat that was white, skittish and emaciated. I wondered if it was her so I emailed the woman. I asked her to send me a picture and she didn’t know how. So I just asked her, “does the cat look like Hitler?” I can’t imagine what she thought about that. Mavis had a black mark under nose that made it look like a Hitler’s iconic mustache. I can’t remember the woman’s response, but she did seemed confused by my email. I asked her if I could come and see the cat. This must have scared her thus motivated her to figure how to email a photo.  I got the photo, the cat did not look like Hitler. It was not Mavis. The mystery remains, Mavis is gone, assumed dead and we know not how.



9/19/17
                Our current cat, Lester, is a joy. The dogs still mess with him too much for him to come into our living room, where most of the living in our house takes place, but if you are in my office or preparing a meal in the kitchen, he is there. Our living room is gated off from the rest of the house because our dog Woodrow is a counter surfer. This makes more than half the house Lester’s domain.
                If you ask my wife, she will claim that he is named after a Cubs pitcher. If I am asked, I will say he’s named after an ex-Red Sox pitcher. Since these are one in the same, Jon Lester, it seems silly that we make this distinction, and yet we do. He brought World Series victories to both of our teams. The cat could also have been named after a character on HBO’s The Wire, but really, it isn’t very important. It is a good name, for a great cat.
                When we go upstairs each night to expire for the evening, he follows us upstairs. He comes into the bathroom with us as we prepare for bedtime and then he joins us in bed along with Woodrow. Our other dog, Hazel, sleeps beside the bed. She is not much of a cuddler.


                I like my pets more than I like most humans. This is obvious if you know me even for a short amount of time. Pets, animals in general, completely lack pretense. Nuances in your relationship are few and you always know where you stand. Human relationships are far more complicated. I am introverted and really struggle with being social. I stand around at parties, sometimes full of people I know and like, and struggle to find something to say. When I was a teenager, I started drinking heavily to deal with it. I’d get drunk on the weekends and have a grand old time. It was courage in a bottle. This continued throughout college into my 20’s until after I graduated. I eventually gave up drinking entirely for about ten year. No AA, nothing like that. I just realized what a crutch it was. There are still few people I know that I don’t struggle with social interaction … but I can’t say this about a single pet hence the preference for cats and dogs.
                I drink a little now, but for better reasons. Not for courage, but simply for flavor. I have a beer, maybe two, with dinner sometimes. Rarely do I have more than that. I might feel buzzed occasionally but I don’t get drunk anymore. I see no reason for it. Now that I’ve figured things out, there is no need for it. It has been years, maybe decades, since I have been out right plastered.
                Social anxiety is easy now. I simply run away. I discovered this while in college. While at a party, when I was feeling anxious, I’d just leave. Often these parties were down at the beach in Rhode Island, I’d leave the party without telling anyone and go for a long walk on the beach usually in the middle of the night. Ah, alone time. Sweet relief. I feel like myself again.
                Running away works long term as well.  You have someone in your life that depresses you or consistently makes you angry … run away. I haven’t run away from a pet yet.

9/20/17
                Running away can take many forms, like avoiding the family holidays because they depress the hell out of you. It helps if you live far away. Telecommuting is another form of running away. You don’t have to deal with the outside world at all… no commute and minimal office politics. I have an ideal life now. It does get lonely but I have Facebook, Twitter and various other toys. In this way running away doesn’t take an effort at all. If someone makes you feel awful, intentional or otherwise, there is no reason you need to keep that person in your life. Follow these instruction, back your bag and leave. It is that simple. 
                I took Woodrow for a lunchtime walk today. I leave my other dog, Hazel, at home when I do this because she is aggressive toward other dogs. We control this by simply leaving her at home. I drove to the town trails behind our elementary school and had a nice walk. The leaves are in the early stages of changing now. It is a great time of year for a walk. When I got home Hazel was outside. We don’t know how she gets through the fence. I think she is opposite of me. She doesn't like being alone. 

9/21/17
                This may seem like a lonely life, but for the most part, it is not. The little amount of human interaction I get is sufficient for me.  Besides, a little bit of loneliness is preferable to dealing with the drama of annoying people or interoffice politics.  I am also very lucky. I generally don’t use that term, but I lack a better one for the fact that I found my wife. She is social enough for both of us. She is my social conduit.
                Tonight, we are going to a dinner at a friend’s. When I say “friend,” it usually means one of her friends. I enjoy myself with this friend, her new husband and her daughter, but if not for my wife, it just wouldn’t be happening. For the past ten years, I have been telecommuting to work. The office I work for is in New York City and Fort Lee, New Jersey. So I don't get to meet a lot of people here in Vermont hence I don’t make a lot local friends here either. I’ve been in Vermont almost two decades and I haven’t made a lot of friends because of this. Even when I did have a job where I had to go into the office, I was mostly all work and no play. Such is the life of the introvert.
                Most of my friends, not the ones I get through my conduit wife, are in other states, mostly Massachusetts and Rhode Island. But even them, of the ones I consider friends, even they are a bit annoying. Social media is helpful with this. I can maintain cordial relationships without leaving the confines of my laptop. Even with this distance, Facebook can sometimes feel like that crowded room when I have to run away from. Too many personalities to balance, too many expectations to manage, too many, too many, too many.
                Keeping up with old friends is one of the great things about Facebook. If not for that, I’d probably leave it. Because I spend much of my day alone on a dirt road in my home with very few people walking by, having access to the world via Facebook’s feed is very helpful to me. The other thing I like about social media, is that it gives you the potential for chatting with strangers. This is more often than not, not very productive but occasionally you can really connect with people. Because they can’t see you face, it can get obnoxious fairly quick. You cannot see the face or emotions of the distance people producing blips on your screen. It is easy to go off the rails and say something you wouldn’t if you were talking to them in person. But the connection happens sometimes. I’ve connected with strangers talking about music, politics, literature and games. This doesn't happen a lot in person.

9/22/17
                I find that I have less social anxiety if I have an anchor. This is basically something to do or something to think about to drive conversions. I recently joined a book group. I barely have any social anxiety with this group of people mostly because if I ever run out of things to talk about, I talk about the book. This is the first book group I’ve ever joined. I don’t know why I haven’t joined one before now. It was a good idea. I am enjoying it. I think my resistance was that I wanted to have 100% control of what I read. Like any social engagement, it is a give and take. I sacrifice this control and once I’ve accepted this, I am okay with it. If they pick someone I don’t want to read, I just won’t and not go that to that book group session. So far so good. Other than Mrs. Dalloway, I have liked everything we’ve read. Going into each group, every six weeks or so, I have some questions I’d like to ask. This is a great relief to my anxiety.
I have found this adaptive behavior useful in many social occasions. A couple of years ago, I attended a wedding (or what I’d like to call a pre-divorce ceremony). To help with my anxiety, I gave myself a mission to take pictures of everyone I met but to ask them to make an angry face. Some didn’t comply, oh well, but for those that did, I had a good time and I have some very funny pictures from that wedding. And yes, they are already divorced.

As you can see, some people are better than others at looking angry.

Of course, there is always humor. I had dinner with a friend of my wife and her daughter last night and I had little to talk about. But having a young person (mid-20’s) there, aka an audience, gave me a purpose. I inherited a keen sense of humor from my dad and the ability to make people laugh is a handy crutch that I have leaned on often. As the two other adults were talking shop, I was making the young lady laugh.

9/24/17
The weekend is full as usual thanks to my loving conduit, but I have managed to get some time to myself to do some writing and other stuff that I enjoy … namely, watching Game of Thrones, playing Civilization VI, Chess with Friends (the Sicilian Defense), reading High Fidelity, walking through the woods foraging for firewood and making a fire.
I was supposed to go kayaking today with my wife, another different friend and her daughter. Our friend’s daughter received a kayak for her tenth birthday and wanted to go out with it before the winter came. Because her mom wanted to go with her and she doesn’t have a kayak, we were short one. We failed to find another one for me, so I bowed out so our friend could use my kayak. This is one of the things that people with social anxiety do. I love kayaking, but if I can avoid it for alone time, I will. I also really like the people going kayaking but they talk a lot and I’d rather spend the afternoon with a book or writing than engaging in conversation. 
Yesterday morning, Saturday, we got up early and headed to breakfast at the 158 Main, one of our favorite breakfast joints in Jeffersonville. We had to find a parking space in the shade because we had Woodrow with us and it is unseasonably hot for Fall in Vermont. They were under-staffed so we got to play two complete games of cribbage before we got any food. We split the games. We were up early because we were headed to Harvest Festival in Underhill, an annual event that happens the first weekend of the Fall. It has lots of booths mostly yard sale type stuff, live music, crafts and food. It is a good time. This year I bought about 15 CDs for a buck each. It was a good bunch ranging from Shawn Colvin (2) to Brian Eno (2) to U2, Fugees and Anna Nalick. In addition, we bought a dog crate for 20 bucks, a few books and a Trivial Pursuit edition that we didn’t have (the 60’s).  Mostly, we had a great time walking around the crowd of strangers taking in the good weather and a root beer float. Woodrow grew tired easily, dranks lots of water and smelled lots of new friends. Crowds are okay for the socially anxious lout. No reason to feel anxious with strangers. It is only once I know them that they make me nervous.
I spent the few hours after the festival importing the CDs into my ITunes and reading and then headed out to do my weekly volunteer work. I volunteer assisting a group of Bhutanese refugees take their citizenship tests. These folks have been through hell and spending quality time with them is a good way for me to check my privilege. Since Trump got elected I’ve been feeling like I haven’t been doing my part … so I found this to do. I enjoy it. They struggle with English and many of them confuse words like "colonists" with "Congress" and don’t know the different between Bernie Sanders (our Senator) and Mike Pence (our V.P.) Among other things, I find this refreshing. Something I thought to be completely political, ended up being the opposite, as apolitical as anything I’ve ever done. It is just something good I am doing and it makes me feel good. It is also patriotic in a way, to help some good people who have been through shit become productive citizens.
After our 1.5 hour session was done, I met my wife in Burlington, at Ri Ra’s, one of our favorite Irish bars. She was having some mules with some friends visiting from Massachusetts. See, conduit. I had some beer, nachos and burger. Then we headed home to watch the Cubs lose in the 10th inning via a Travis Shaw two run walk off.
I love my life. I never thought it would be this good. I love my wife, I have good job working from home and I love my home. Also, my pets make me happy. Running away works. When you run away, you are also running towards something. In my case, I was running towards this ... happiness.

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