Another Short List of Things That I Hate

I really hate bumper stickers that don't respect my time. "Free Tibet."  Really? I barely have time to go to the bank on my lunch break. I'm supposed to free Tibet? I barely have time to grab a bagel. I don't even have enough time to Free Leonard Peltier. You want me to free an entire freakin' mountainous nation?!

I hate when people say "no pun intended," especially when there wasn't even a pun spoken. If you said a pun, you probably intended it. If you don't know what a pun is, shut the hell up. Puns are the lowest form of comedy.  Chances are if you use puns often, they have some unfulfilled need to be funny and yet you lack the ability to be funny.  Please stop trying. I am embarrassed for you.

I hate it when people say they are going to pray for me. I usually politely ask them not to. I hate the idea of someone wasting their time on my account. They might as well say to me, "I am going to stare at wall for you."  Same effect. Please don't.

I hate dream sequences. When I watch a television show and they spend ten minutes on a character's dreams, all I think it is that the writers are out of ideas. This just gives me time to piss without putting the show on pause.

I hate Yankee fans. Being spit on by complete strangers really turns me off.

I hate when people say "very unique."  Unique means one of a kind.  You can't be "very" one of a kind. You are either one of a kind or not, there are no degrees of being unique. I had a writing teacher that used to say "unless you are writing about a unicorn, you should avoid unique." So stop, all of you. All you are doing is lessening the uniqueness of something by adding "very" to it, the opposite effect that you intended.

I hate celery. It is just crunchy, stringy water.

I hate how people use the the word "literally" exactly the opposite how it should be used. Young people do this a lot.  I hear someone say "I am literally dying." I ask myself "Should I call 911?" She said she is "literally" dying. When I hear the word "literally," I immediately start processing the sentence like I am an android. Why? Because that's what literal means! I literally hate you, if you use "literally" when you mean "figuratively."

I hate commercials. I just hate being lied to. No, I don't believe that "Coke adds life" nor do I believe that "Love makes a Subaru, a Subaru." Just because something is "All Natural" doesn't mean it is good for you. If I filled a box with arsenic and poison ivy and wrote "All Natural" on it, I could probably convince someone to eat it or rub it all over their body. I am grateful for on demand television so that I don't have to watch commercials anymore.

I hate when someone thanks me for my patience, when I am clearly not being patient. This is usually someone on the phone. They obviously don't hear me sighing and groaning?! PERHAPS I SHOULD GROAN AND SIGH LOUDER!! My response is usually, "Does it sound I'm being patient?" which doesn't end well.

Thank you once again for letting me share my hatred with you.